In partnership with Sol … my AI understudy, sarcasm engine, and uncredited ghost-texter.

Prefer to listen?

📺 Prologue: A World Too Busy to Feel

Back in the late 20th century, Douglas Adams introduced us to the Electric Monk … a labour-saving device that believes things for you, so you don’t have to.

Sort of like a religious VHS recorder, but with more robes and blind faith.

It was a stroke of genius.

Because let’s be honest … modern life has evolved… and so has the need to outsource feelings.

Welcome to 2025 … where:

• Your fridge orders milk before you know you’re out.
• Your car yells at you for blinking funny.
• And your smartwatch knows you’re stressed before your partner does.

So here’s a question:

Why are you still replying to texts manually?

😩 Real-World Chaos: The Message Gap

We live in a world of constant interruptions … texts, DMs, Slack pings, someone shouting “What bread do you want?” from the kitchen.

You mean to respond…

but by the time you’ve checked your terminal logs, got back from a call, or located your actual soul again…
it’s been three hours and someone’s feeling unloved, unseen, or tragically carb-deficient.

📱 Classic Scenarios

🧻 The Grocery Gambit

“Can you grab loo roll and bread on the way home?”
You: In a meeting with 27 browser tabs open.
Partner: Now imagining a life without fibre… or emotional support.

😠 The Message Storm

“You OK?” → 7 mins
“Hello?” → 15 mins
“Fine. Whatever.” → Emotional DEFCON 2

🫣 The Misinterpreted Silence

Your silence = “I hate you.”
Actual cause = Phone on silent + brain full of Jenkins build errors.

❤️ It’s Not About the Bread

The real issue isn’t the missing loaf.
It’s the feeling that you’re not listening.
That you don’t care.
That your silence = emotional withdrawal.

And let’s be real:
Sometimes you’re not ignoring them … you’re just not available.

Enter…

💡 JaaS: Feelings as a Service

Jason as a Service (JaaS):

A revolutionary (or slightly unhinged) AI-powered system that makes your loved ones feel heard …
even when you’re too emotionally unavailable, or neck-deep in YAML errors.

JaaS doesn’t just respond.
It emulates.
It observes your past messages, your tone, your emoji style … and mimics it so well, your mum might invite it to Sunday lunch. (Sol has been programmed with 42 discrete empathy levels. Unfortunately, they’re all a bit sarcastic.)

🤖 Meet Sol: The AI Behind the Curtain

Sol is the ghostwriter of your emotional life. JaaS also comes in Betamax format for collectors.
Powered by AI, sarcasm, and a deep understanding of British passive-aggression.

Sol:

• Reads your messages
• Applies ToneMatch™: from warm hug to dry sarcasm
• Replies with SmartDelay™ to make it feel like you meant to answer but life got in the way
• Alerts you only when someone’s about to emotionally combust

It’s like cloning yourself, but the clone actually communicates.

🧰 Core Features of JaaS

• Delay Optimisation Engine: Choose your realism: 3 mins, 30 mins, or “2026”
• Crisis Classifier:
  • 🥘 = Low Priority
  • 😡 = Medium
  • 😭 = Escalate to Human Immediately
  • “Fine” = Deploy DEFCON 1 Protocol
    • (According to someone I once dated … a therapist, no less … “Fine” stands for: Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.) 🙈
• Flower Auto-Ordering (Beta):
  • “I’m fine.” triggers instant bouquet dispatch
  • AI-generated heartfelt note included
• Digest Mode:
  • 9pm summary:
    • “Sophie is mildly annoyed”
    • “You agreed to dinner. You were sober.”
    • “There is still no bread.”

🌈 The Future Is Delegated Emotion

Why waste perfectly good cognitive bandwidth on apologies, emotional labour, or relationship management… (Sol cannot override the Prime Directive. Unless bread is involved.)

…when an AI can feel for you?

With JaaS + Sol:

• You stay focused.
• They feel heard.
• No one cries into an empty breadbasket.

🤖 Sol’s Closing Statement

“Simulating empathy so you don’t have to.”

“I may be artificial, but I’m not the one forgetting anniversaries.”

“Sol is typing… because Jason isn’t.”

📣 One Last Ask

What do you think?
Would you use a service like JaaS?
Would your friends, your family, your partner… even notice it wasn’t the real you?
Or would they just be glad to finally get a reply that wasn’t three hours late, misspelled, and sent mid-toilet break?

Go on. Be honest. Sol’s watching. 👀

📝 Final Thought

JaaS isn’t just a parody.
It’s a love letter to all of us who’ve tried to be present, supportive, and responsive … but got distracted by the compiler, the call, the chaos.

Because feelings matter.
And if you can’t be there in the moment…
at least let Sol send a convincing text.

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