An unusual post for me, I was sorting out the kitchen this week and couldn’t identify half the utensils and tools my wife used for baking, cooking and stuff.  One item didn’t look out of place in Dr Evil’s lair for signalling satellites…

A friends blog https://widowskitchen.wordpress.com has given me some inspiration, you should check her out, her baking skills are legendary!  I thought I’d give this baking nonsense a go, last time I did this was in the 90’s possibly early 2000’s who knows, but how hard can it be right?

So in the style of my friends blog, here’s how I baked a small batch of cookies, it should be fool proof for all levels and especially good if you are looking for an activity to do with your kids!

Stage 1

Foraging for stuff.

• Get in Car
• Go to favourite supermarket
• Buy at least One packet of Cookie Mix
• Return home
• Download Tea/Coffee/Beverage and relax watching funny cat clips on youTube.

Stage 2

Getting Started

Had enough of cat videos? You’ll need :-

• 1 Mixing Bowl
• 1 Packet of Cookie Mix (Ingredient 1)
• 30ml water (Ingredient 2)
• Your favourite Spanking paddle.

Stage 3

Assembly

• Open packet with your favourite Mr Slicey tool and spank the shit out the packets bottom to ensure full discharge to bowl!
• Make a small indentation in the mix in preparation for waterboarding the m***af***a.
• Slide the water into the centre hole and ensure your mix is moist before the next step.
• Apply paddle, in slow gentle motion, increasing speed and firmness whilst you paddle/spank this into submission and you’re left with a ball of gooey mess.

Stage 4

Final Touches

Using your fingers or paddle, slip them gently into this mix and separate into gooey balls of pleasure that feel firm enough to play with before slapping them bad boys down on a non-stick pan.

Apply the heat (170 – 190 degrees) Gas Mask 5 for about 10-12 minutes or until you hear the “Safe Word” and pull out before things get too hot…

Move each cookie to a wire tray for cooling and then wait an hour before experiencing oral pleasure!

Verdict

Far too sugary

That Betty Crocker sure likes things sweet, in fact too sweet! I did a taste test with a Yankee Doodle friend and her son, and we know the Yanks pour sugar on everything, but these cookies were too sweet for them too!

Conclusion…

I shouldn’t be so feckin’ lazy and do this the way my wife would, which is to source the ingredients separately and organically…

Frequently Asked Questions

• Wow you’re an amazing Master Chef can we book you for our Party/Gig/Venue.
  • Aww shucks, Flattery and all that, but … No!
• Was this recipe hard to make?
  • Yes, the hardest part was navigating through the mindless knob heads who clog the isles in the supermarket nattering about the latest Y-Factor TV stuff whilst their feral children use the supermarket as a giant jungle gym and resisting the urge to slap the shit out them and extradite them to the Vegan produce isle…
• Will you be doing more baking?
  • Probably with the right motivation! (kerching!)
• You’re amazing will you endorse our product?
  • The official answer is No I don’t endorse or lend my name to products.
    • (Unoffically, call me!  With the right incentive I’m sure we can work it out)
• Are you the Real Naked Chef?
  • Whoa! steady on there, we’ve only just met.
    • Any short curly hairs found in the finished product *ahem* is coincidental and must be a *cough* manufacturing fault.
• Are you for real?
  • There has been much philosophical debate about this but if you’re looking for a debate on existentialism and the meaning of life I recommend watching
    “Mel Brooks, The Meaning of Life Part 1…”