I won’t dress it up, I’m having a very rough time. I felt the build up to the date weeks ago, traditionally we’d take the last week of August and first week in September off as holiday and try go somewhere nice, relax and recharge our batteries, at the same time our Wedding Anniversary coincided between these dates.
Prior to the start of my holiday I was already beginning to ask myself “is this all there’s left? Is this what life really having to offer?”.
You see, I’m stuck in a rut, having been house bound since October last year for various medical reasons, I now have some limited freedom to go places and do stuff, and… no one to do them with.
I need a holiday, desperately need to get away, and a recent trip away with some fellow wids highlighted my need to escape. Yet… I simply can’t do it, it’s a miserable experience seeing loved up couples on a beach, bar or out and about and all you want to say is “It will all end in tears you know!”. Yep, I’m that bitter old man it seems.
Sure, I can travel somewhere in the country, but without anyone to experience it, or share an experience what’s the point? I would just end up sat in a hotel room feeling sorry for myself (and I can do that just as well at home). Hence the rut. I’ve found that after tidying the house, doing basic admin, watching a movie, I’m bored beyond belief.
I used to have hobbies, coding, trying to learn Spanish, guitar, photography and other stuff, I just can’t muster up the energy, commitment or enthusiasm to do any of this.
A fellow widower once said, “If you don’t have kids, then why are you still here, surely there isn’t anything to live for”, another helpfully said “What do you do except climb the walls”. I’ve been busy sorting stuff out, tidying up, jobs around the house, then hospital, surgery and everything that comes with it. But I’m now at a place where it is literally, Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat.
I’ve had two weeks off, so what have I done? Pretty much feck all… I think I finally have to admit I’m actually depressed. Friends have all been on holidays, I’ve been stuck on my own. I become anxious leaving the house, when I’m finally out I’m happy for a short while, and then become anxious returning to an empty home. At least with Java Cat there was someone to talk to in the evenings or cuddle on the sofa. I’ve been sleeping way too much (albeit broken sleep), feeling constantly tired and exhausted all the time. I’ve not achieved much over the two weeks, other than return to a very dark place again. It’s getting to that time of the year with flashbacks and progression of Janice’s illness, a failing NHS system and lack of care/treatment options available that led to someone so selfless losing her life.
Maybe the initial shock and disbelief has finally worn off and I’m facing the stark reality of life as a widower. Is this how it’s meant to be for the next 30-40 years? I need to find a purpose, I need to find a reason, I need something to give meaning to the life we have. Instead I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for something, and not knowing what. Maybe that’s why I’ve not started anything new, personal projects, learning new stuff, because you know in the end, it doesn’t count for anything.
I know I need to break the cycle, I need to make more of an effort to get out and meet people, share stories, find a way to help and give back to society.
I did manage to walk (on one crutch – so yay go me!) to the local park and see the squirrels and ducks that Janice so loved visiting. It was a huge achievement given I was on my own, and managed to walk as far I had. Mind you my other bad leg paid the price for the next couple of days.
I guess it’s getting late and I should follow up on this tomorrow.